I've already got one set of wings

I really don't want another pair.

I'm sitting here listening to my 10 year old throw the tantrum from hell.  He got suspended today...again.  This time because he heavily damaged an office while waiting for me to come pick him up from school.  He should have ridden the bus but decided he didn't want to sit in his assigned seat.  They have assigned seats because most of the children who ride the bus wear harnesses so they are unable to cause distractions, hurt themselves or each other while they are transported to their destinations under the watchful eyes of two adults.  

By the time I got there, he'd slammed a good sized hole in the wall, flipped a cabinet, dislodged one of the ceiling tiles and tried to stab one of the teachers with a pencil.  I've always been a part of my children's schools and make it a point to get to know their teachers, but I know several staff members far too well at his school.  We talk almost daily, which causes my heart and stomach to flutter every time the phone rings...and not good kind of fluttering.

He opted to leave a trail of destruction in his wake as he left the building.  Pulling down boxes and files on counters along the way.  He tried to skip getting in the car to walk wherever he felt he needed to go, but ultimately decided better after kicking my car a few times.  And as we traveled from school to his after school care provider, I asked some basic questions about the bus situation and shared with him my disappointment in his decisions.  

He proceeded to rip my heart out....with responses like, "I wish I would just die", "I'm stupid", "everyone hates me",  "I'm going to kill myself some day".  And with that last one, my greatest fear manifested in a plethora of ways within my stupid and all too vivid imagination.  When I asked him why he would want that, his response was spit at me with venom and disgust, "Because I want you to feel pain".

Little does he realize how I'd take all his pain as my own if I could.  I would welcome the confusing and terrifying emotional roller coaster into my life with open arms if it meant he could live free of suffering. Instead I can only pray that God shows us why this suffering has to happen and how to end it before I have to ink another set of wings on my body.

I've already lost one child.  One I never got to tell or show how much I loved them.  I'm not sure I can come back from another loss.  I'm losing myself as it is.  The best parts of me feel as though they are slipping away.  I worry constantly about what in my home could be a weapon against me, my husband, his brothers or sisters or himself.  He threatens to run away and at age 10 has made multiple attempts, even though they were half-hearted.  It's only a matter of time before he makes good on the threat with more conviction.

I read somewhere that when a child explodes like he does and exposes his or her dark underbelly to their parents through manic fits of rage or depression that it should be considered a good thing because they know those that love them most will not forsake them and turn away.  That their emotions will be safe, even if they are the darkest of emotions.  The reason they may not show that behavior to others is because they don't trust other people to have the same understanding. 

I'm sure there's some truth to that, but for my son, it isn't just me or my husband he shows it too.  It's other family and teachers.  He has incredible smarts and an amazing heart when he chooses to show it.  The anger and lack of confidence leads him down a very dark road that while scary to walk he chooses anyway.  I know he can't always make the right decision, but noone ALWAYS makes the right choices.  Lord knows, I've taken my fair share of wrong turns.

I just wish I could help him in some way.  I saw a post on Facebook the other day that said something pretty true to this situation.  It said something along the lines of "...the hardest thing a parent can do is watch their child go through something really tough and not being able to fix it for them."  We do what we can do and that's all we can do.  Sadly, I fear it won't be enough to save him.  But I'll do it anyway, while praying for faith, peace and the strength be there for him always.

 

                
                    ~ I love you Max~

                 
 

~~~If you don't see a silver lining

...make one~~~