2014 so far....

It's been a REALLY long time since I've blogged and I feel bad about not providing my readers (all 4 of you) with my regular quirky long-windedness...yep, just made up that word.  One of my many talents you know; B.S.  My definition of B.S. = Finding ways of speaking to others that makes me sound like I know what I'm doing. In some areas of life I do have a fairly good grip on how to handle things but others, well, nothing can prepare you for them and you just have to wing it, whether it's good or bad.

So far 2014 has been one of the hardest years of my life. That's not to say there hasn't been good times worth remembering but let's be honest, any time you lose people you love and care about, well it can overshadow some of life's joys.  In a period of 8 months (Sept.- now) I've lost 5 family members and one amazing friend.  In all my life I've only ever had to say goodbye to 3 of my grandparents and the last one was almost 3 years ago.  So you can imagine the emotional toll it takes on a person to lose 5 times that amount in such a short period of time.

I've wanted to blog about the importance of remembering those we've loved and lost but just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I managed in other ways but it certainly hasn't been easy. And sometimes, when you least expect it, a song or situation will trigger a memory so strong it knocks the wind right out of you and it's all you can do not to curl into the fetal position and give in to your ugly cry (and yes, everyone has an ugly cry).

Case in point: Last night I had the wonderful privilege to coordinate the marriage of a sweet friend to the man of her dreams.  My mom, being ordained, married the two in a most moving ceremony.  The venue was full to the brim of close friends and family among beautiful peacock-themed decor and there was plenty to keep me busy.  Making sure the vendors had what they needed and were doing what they were supposed to, ensuring the bar was in good shape and keeping the bride and groom oblivious to any problematic situations. But, every 30 minutes or so I would sit at my full plate of food and pick at it while overseeing the excitement. One such time was during the parent dances and the bride had just stepped into the arms of her father.  The song started, I Loved Her First by Heartland and it took me right back to my own wedding day...to the memories of some very important Dad's in my life...and I could not hold back the tears. 

Part of why this is so poignant is because out of the 5 family members I've lost, 3 of them were fathers to me. My former step-dad David Woodhouse, who passed from cancer in September, my Father-in-law Larry Graham went home in February due to complications from Alzheimer's and lastly, my daddy, Ray McCrary Jr. in May, due to advanced Alzheimer's.  

While I managed to keep the ugly cry from rearing it's ugly head at the wedding, my heart was still heavy.  However, I also experienced joy because I realized that Rachel, the bride, would now also have that memory to hold onto for the rest of her life.  And THAT is why I do what I do! 

Congratulations to the new Mr. and Mrs. Colton Mitchell!!!  May you see many years of happiness!!!!

It's moments like these that allow the sorrow to fade into a dull ache as opposed to the throbbing pulse consistently pounding you from the inside.  Those that have left us behind on this out of control spinning rock will never truly be gone because they live in our hearts and memories. 

My Uncle John passed away in April and my Great Great Aunt Dot passed away in May the day after my father died.  I didn't know them well or in Aunt Dot's case, at all, but my mother was very close to Aunt Dot and she felt an even heavier loss having just spent the previous 3 days at my Dad's bedside with my sisters and I (and mind you they've been divorced for the better part of 30 years).  I love my mother dearly and although I didn't know Aunt Dot personally, I could feel through my mother's grief how wonderful a person Aunt Dot was.

Then finally, days before my Uncle John passed away, a co-worker and good friend of mine fell deathly ill very suddenly and lost her battle to a pulmonary embolism at the young age of 29.  No one knows why it happened....it just did...and our worlds were rocked yet again.  Elizabeth Ann Spillers was an incredible, caring person with a fabulous dry sense of humor who was loved by many people.  We shared some fun times at work and at play and she had immediately found a place in my heart.  I have your picture on my desk and I say hello to you every morning I come to work.  And every time I see pictures of your nieces (especially Audrey), I see you. I will never forget.

Soooo, you see why I've been MIA.  Too much action for me. I hope all my readers will forgive my absence.  But....I've decided it's ok to say no when someone asks me to help because I've got a nasty habit of overdoing it and missing out on what's right in front of me.  So hug the ones you love most and forgive those who've hurt you.  Life will always be hard but you can take the good in it and make it yours if you choose to do so. 

Share some memories of those who you've loved and lost. It's good for the soul.  

~~~If you don't see a silver lining...make one~~~

It's beginning to look a lot like.....

...Christmas!  Well yes, that too but it also looks like a time of reprieve.  Here's hoping it lasts and makes enough of an impression to allow for maturity and growth and to get through the holidays with less heartache.  Wait, wait, wait...For those of you that follow me (which aren't many), you know that we struggle with a son diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar Disorder.  We have for 6 years and he's only 11.  For those that don't, I'd recommend reading some of my earlier posts under the Current Thoughts tab to get a quick understanding.  Let's just say it's been a long, LONG road to get where we are right now.

Much like our government these days, there's been a lot of doom and gloom type chatter at home.  Talk of crisis intervention officers, juvenile courts, residential treatment centers, drugs, fear, abuse and an overall sense of hopelessness.  Like I said, just like our government.  But if we're all lucky, maybe someone can come up with a behavior plan for them too. For us though, we have our someone...Her name is Pam and she's given us a new magical tool that even our son has embraced.

It also probably helps that we, including the boy, had to meet with a Juvenile Court Probation Officer about an incident that happened in school last month.  I'd describe her as very efficient at her job.  So much so that she scared the crap out of me!  I'm fairly certain our son got a very important message.  It seems that hearing the same message we've been saying for some time from someone in a place of authority makes a significant impression on youth.  THIS IS A GOOD THING.

As much as I'd like to believe we've turned the final corner on the path to recovery, I know Pam's magical tool is driven by and dependent on the stamina and dedication of two very tired parents, 4 jaded siblings and one complex little boy.  That's not to say we're incapable of making it work but it's a huge endeavor that runs through every aspect of everything.  Whether he's at school, home, a friend's house or church, a new level of expectation coupled with the opportunity to learn so many valuable lessons is riding on how well we implement the program.  That's a pretty scary thing to face when it feels like you've failed thus far.

So I'm hoping we'll get some additional support and encouragement to weather the storm from you, the readers.  I know for a fact plenty of you have been battling some of the same demons we have.  Mental illness, like cancer, is unbiased and cares not for who it attacks.  At least with cancer, a doctor can see it, treat it....cut it out maybe!  Not so much for a young child who's illness is in the one part of his anatomy that must remain intact and undamaged in order to survive; the brain.

That being said, here's a brief overview of the Pam's magical tool.  Maybe you can adapt it to help your situation.  If it can help you as much as it has us, I beg you, please try it before your child has to have the fear of God put in them from a court officer; before they have to experience handcuffs, be a guinea pig for prescription drugs and reach a sense of despair so low they turn to hurting themselves or others.  Believe me, the pain you'll feel when these things start happening is nothing compared to the hard work you could do to help prevent them from happening.  So here it is......

Welcome to the Max Buck's Program!!!! 

Pretty nifty right?!  We thought so too and so did Max.  He was on board from the get go. It seems most kids are pretty keen on earning money so this behavior intervention plan was accepted pretty quick. Now don't freak out, you aren't going to go broke on this plan, well I guess you could.....nah.
Here are the basics of the program.

1)      The subject earns “Their Name here” Bucks for completing a multitude of positive behaviors

2)      These bucks grow like any other “account” and are typically never lost.  If it’s earned, it’s kept.

3)      These bucks are great for just about every behavior you are trying to correct or emphasize.  Whether it’s brushing teeth regularly or reducing acts of aggression.

4)      A list of tasks with how much the subject can earn doing those items should be created so they have a visual they can refer too.  For younger kids, use pictures of the acts you want to encourage.

5)      Also create a MENU of items, preferably generated by the subject, that can be purchased with their bucks.  Create this list by using several categories:           

i)       Edibles – Special treats that would be solely theirs that isn’t normally purchased

ii)      Tangibles – This would include toys, games and other items they can physically use/play with.

iii)     Activities – Would they like bowling, camping, playing a game of chess or going to the park?  These are things they could go do.

iv)     Time with Peers – Spending time with peers their own age, above and beyond normal contact, would fall into this category.  Maybe a sleep over?

v)       Time with Adults – Consider a date with Mom or Dad, a picnic with a favorite Grandparent or just 30 minutes with an adult the subject feels close to.

6)      List out unacceptable behaviors that will come with the opportunity to pay some kind of restitution.  The goal is not to take away their earnings but rather institute a freezing of the account.  They still earn as normal but it goes to pay off whatever fine is associated with the behavior.

For example: If physical aggression is a behavior you are trying to remove, consider enforcing a fine commensurate with the severity of the aggression.  A minor incident may result in a $50 fine.  The subject will continue to earn as normal but it goes towards the fine first before they can start growing their account again.  Of course, the level of severity and consequential fines are at the discretion of the parents.

7)      Figure out up to 3 goals the subject wants to improve upon, list some of the triggers that prevent those goals from happening and some methods to help cope with the triggers when they occur.

8)      If you’re the creative type, create a Menu Board to list the items he/she can buy, create signs or ads to post in areas visible to the subject or even use a check register to show how the bucks flow and ebb based on behavior.

9)      Rinse and repeat 24/7 and adjust when goals are met.  This will be a continual work in progress that will need to be evaluated, measured and tweaked as you go, but it’s worth it!

  
It sounds like a lot I know, and it is but I can't even begin to tell you...wait I already have.  So let me rephrase.  I  CAN tell you this program has merit.  It's provided goals, increased success and as I said earlier, given reprieve.  Maybe now we can focus on the upcoming holidays with a little more joy and relaxation as opposed to stress, worry or maybe even missing those we love.

So break out the turkey trimmings, egg nog and holiday cheer (a.k.a Bailey's) and celebrate every victory no matter how small.  OK, so parents only on the "holiday cheer" and remember...everything in moderation.  Happy Holidays!

  ~~~If you don't see a silver lining...make one~~~