Following your gut can sometimes lead to indegestion...

I've learned a few things in my 35 years on this earth.  First, is that I'm a mediocre cook; a great meal planner, but the many burnt batches of bread will confirm my less than Head Chef status.  Second, I'm generally a risk taker although I've toned it down it quite a bit from my younger years.  Thirdly, I thoroughly know my drinking limit and stay under it most of the time.  This little nugget (or lack there of) used to contribute to that whole risk taking thing a lot more, but now, not so much.  However, another reason I tend to take risks is because I feel it in my gut.  Call it woman's intuition or a sixth sense or whatever but ultimately, I'm usually willing to take the risk if my gut feeling calls me to do so.

photo courtesy of weheartit.com

Now that doesn't mean I or anyone for that matter should take risks without looking at all the potential consequences.  Jumping out of a perfectly good airplane has some pretty obvious painful results if done wrong as does skiing a Black Diamond run on your first day on the slopes.  I might have a high tolerance for pain but I know when to draw the line and breaking every bone in my body is not on my list of tolerable pain. Although, I did give it a good shot on my last attempt at skiing.  The hubs and our friends said it was a gloriously nasty and ugly roll down the hill.  Fortunately, I didn't break anything but I was significantly less courageous the rest of the trip.

Trip to Keystone, Co 2014

Post-tumble down the mountain.  Slow and steady.

Great times with great friends!

But there are other risks we may choose to take, while not damaging to our bodies, that can create ripple effects in the lives around us.  This happens when we follow our gut even though our head and/or heart may be trying to warn us.  I think it's very typical for humans to underestimate the destruction that following our gut can wreak, especially when it's to a selfish end.  It's easy to think only of ones self and take those affected by our choices for granted. This such behavior is one we try to teach our children not to do so they don't learn it the hard way as an adult.  I'm fairly certain we can all relate to the after affects of choosing selfish acts and hurting the people we care about or being on the receiving end.  Surely, the action was not done specifically to cause damage but indirectly someone may be suffering the consequences.

Courtesy of www.inspiringquotes.in

Whether you took mom's car out for a spin even though she said not to and in the process you wrecked it OR you neglected to keep your significant other informed of your choices until after the fact, the same result remains;  A breech of trust. For committed couples this is especially trying and can be detrimental to the relationship.  Feelings of betrayal can surface and both past and future actions will likely come into question. 

I'd like to think that absolutely no one LIKES to be considered untrustworthy but we've all seen grown people acting like selfish children now and again.  It's definitely not on my list of ways to be described but we all make choices where we didn't look at some of the less obvious consequences.  Our original intent is usually not to hurt someone or maybe we've justified their hurt by placing our own needs first and assuming we'll be forgiven.  Regardless of the reasoning, be sure the ends justify the means before taking the leap.  Your gut may be right a lot but not always and when it isn't you can be sure indigestion (and heartache) will follow.  BREAK OUT THE TUMS AND TISSUES!

I will be the first to admit I'm guilty of testing the people I love....which establishes the fact I'm human and far from perfect.  However, admitting we make mistakes also opens up a world of opportunity for growth in areas we didn't know needed growing.  Despite your side of the situation, all involved are given a chance to develop their character, inner being and moral self.  It is through struggle we discover how strong we are physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  

Personally, I have been blessed with good people in my life who have no problem whatsoever calling me out when I've tiptoed across a line.  I consider this a huge blessing because we all need to be knocked down a few pegs every once in a while.  We need to be reminded that it isn't always about us and with the help of those closest we can all prosper from life's challenges.  From the darkest of times there's always a silver lining...it's just that sometimes we have to get out the paint brush and create it ourselves.  Henceforth my tag line (at the bottom of every post) that I have used since I was a 17 year old pregnant senior in high school. 

Hmmmm...a possible ink quote? Maybe, I am an ink addict.

No, honey this is NOT me.

So what's the bottom line today?  Learn to listen to your gut but don't forget your heart and head have a say in it too.  Be sure to thoroughly review all the consequences before acting and if you're struggling with the decision because someone you love is going to be hurt, upset, mad, disappointed, concerned etc.... take it to them and let them know how you feel.  Sometimes, they may not realize how your love for them affects you.  Communication is the open doorway to compromise but you have to walk through it together regardless of what your gut says.

Now before I go, I just want to say thank you to the best husband any girl could ever have; For loving me in spite of my flaws and annoying little habits.  (Head-strong is the term I believe was used.)  But like you said, you knew what you were getting into and I for one am incredibly lucky you still asked.  I can't say with any guarantee I won't find/do something that doesn't test your patience in the future but I can say with 100% assurance you'll know ahead of time and I'll ask you to hold my hand while I do it.  Love you!

Mom & Dad's 50th Anniversary Cruise 2013

~~~If you don't see a silver lining...make one~~~

Is this normal? Yes, yes it is...UPDATED!!

SCROLL THROUGH AND FIND THE HIGHLIGHTED AREAS TO SEE THE UPDATES!

photo courtesy of www.gabenies.com

Have you ever felt like you've got so much going on in your head that  you just can't sort it all out and focus on any one task?  If you're a parent like me I know the answer is yes.  Even if you aren't raising a pack of wolves, uh, I mean kids... today's society just oozes Multi-Tasking Central-Itis. That's got to be some kind of clinical condition, right?  Juggling work, home, family...I'm telling you, it's really a circus act some days.  And how much does it take out of you?  A hella lot, that's for sure. Just look at her eyes...blank orbs going through the motions but not really seeing the precious gift she has right in front of her.  Sadly, I think a lot of parents feel this way and while I knew this was going on in my own life, I just didn't do anything to change it.

We would all say some of the same things right? The kids have sports practice along with homework (Algebra no less, uuggghh!), work is hectic, we can't keep the house clean enough and the flu keeps running rampant through the family; there are church plans, concessions stands and maybe we can pencil in a date night and be asleep by nine.....sound familiar? If not, that's great and keep it that way.  If it sounds like a rerun of the last however many years of your life, I hope you have wine on tap.

I'm sure this isn't news to anyone so why write about it?  Well, remember what I said earlier, "I just didn't do anything to change it."?  Sometimes, when you won't (or can't) change the way things are in your life, the Powers-That-Be find ways of changing them for you...and it's not always in a way you would want.  Maybe it's the sudden loss of a job, serious illness, car accident, natural disaster or the loss of a loved one.

For me it was the loss of several loved ones in a very short period of time.  Talk about life coming to a stand still.  Everything else went on hold except what absolutely had to be done and even then, once those things were done...I just stopped.  I had spent so many years adding to my plate and constantly juggling the various aspects of my life I had become the blank eyed crazy lady above who was missing out the joys and happiness  life has to offer.  

Now I am NOT here to tell you how to fix a situation like this because everyone deals with loss in their own way.  Some immerse themselves in activities so they don't have time think about it while others, like me, scrape by on the bare minimum.  Neither way is wrong as long as you eventually deal with the whirling and uncontrollable emotions within you....which is what I haven't been doing.  Not by choice of course, but losing a parent (among other close loved ones) is not something I've experienced before.  How does anyone really know how to live after a hole that large is dug out of your heart?

photo courtesy of www.peanutmom.com

These past few weeks I've been all over the map emotionally. It's a good thing the hubs was working every day cause it was BAD!  Probably didn't help that my favorite monthly nuisance made an appearance but even I couldn't stand me.  I had no motivation at work and did what I had to do at home to keep things running but I found myself feeling resentful of the kids' neediness and just wanted to be alone.  But get this...the real kicker was last Saturday when I actually had time to myself for a whole afternoon and I couldn't come up with a damn thing to do that made me happy AND I realized I didn't have a whole lot of true friends I could lean on.  It really was a sad pathetic pity party that day.

But something else happened too...I got tired of feeling that way.  I didn't like feeling isolated and I  genuinely wanted to be happy when my kids got home from school.  I wanted to do better at work and start feeling alive again.  After all, isn't that what my Dad would want for me?  I was still unsure of whether the harbored ill-feelings were normal or what I should do to pull myself out of this slump. So I did the best thing anyone can do for themselves...I called my mommy.  If you can't call your mom, talk to someone you trust completely and just ask them to listen while you pour the negativity and sadness out of that hole in your heart.  

She was right there with me, laying next to my Dad, when he took his last breaths...and knew exactly what I was going through.  She'd lost her own Daddy just 3 years ago and like me, several others she loved the past few months.  She told me what I'd been feeling was normal and I wasn't a bad parent for not wanting to be around my kids much.  She said it would be at least a year before I'd really processed everything and of course, that was if I gave myself permission to grieve.  I kept using all those excuses I first talked about to keep from dealing with it but it's been festering my heartache the whole time.  I don't expect it to change overnight but I feel like I've reached a turning point in the coping (not healing) process. 

So what am I doing right now to improve things?  I'm making a conscious effort to take better care of myself like drinking more water, taking vitamins (B12 & B-Complex since mom says its good for mood stability), eating at regular intervals and trying to do some kind of physical activity for 30 minutes every day.  I'm also giving myself permission to create a tribute to my Dad in the form of new ink.  I know he's in my heart and memories but I'm a visual person and I believe there is strength in pain. I've thought about it a lot and I'm pretty sure I've created a vision that represents a beautiful blending between my Dad and I.  Pictures to come....

I've also decided it's okay to be real with my kids and tell them when I'm struggling; to ask for some space when I need it and remind them that a happy Mom = a happy everyone else.  My mom suggested I make a space just for me at home to go to when I need to decompress.  Sadly, our bedroom pretty much looks the same as it did when we moved in 5 years ago. We sleep and hide clutter in it when we have company and that's about it.  I've got a great space though and the hunt is on to find a style that offers some peace and serenity without getting too girly and makes the space more functional.  

Here's a before shot....stay tuned to see how it turns out.

The bottom line here people is not to wait until something tragic turns your life upside down to notice the joys right in front of you.  Your kids, while a massively time consuming part of your life, need you to see them, love them and parent them now because this time is fleeting.  They'll be grown and gone before you know it and that's a whole other issue I've yet to deal with so expect a blog on that someday too.  Share them with your parents, who've already had to let go of their own. There's nothing like the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren. If you don't have kids yet, make sure you try to balance work and whatever it is you do so there is time to live life instead of survive life.

Blog, swim, run, bake, love, paint, read, volunteer, play, travel, bike, ride, hug, socialize, pray, decorate, invent, kiss, make whoopie, smile....create joy wherever you can find it and when hard times find you, remember you are human and to give yourself a break.  Keep your eyes open to the gifts in your life and cherish them every day you have them. Those you've lost will live on in your hearts...and in my case..in ink. (Sorry babe, but I gotta do it.  Love you!)

UPDATE!

As I stated earlier in this post I was headed to the tattoo parlor last weekend to get a tribute to my Father who recently passed away. Here are the pics as promised.  The fish (a guppy) represents memories of my Dad, the avid outdoorsman, who took me fishing when I was little and made sure we had fish (guppies) in our tank at home to watch.  I chose to do a watercolor style instead of more realistic coloring because it's a reflection of my own personality.  Then, the text.  His own writing that I pulled from a photo album he'd given me. While this action doesn't make the ache of his loss go away, I feel as though I am carrying him and our love with me in every step I take.  The pain I felt in getting it done was nothing compared to that which I experienced in losing him but it lead to the beauty of the final product....which reminds me his love remains ever constant in my walk through life.  Lastly, I chose the left foot for two reasons. 1. It fit better there than on my forearm and 2. Dad was a lefty.   

~~~If you don't see a silver lining...make one~~~

2014 so far....

It's been a REALLY long time since I've blogged and I feel bad about not providing my readers (all 4 of you) with my regular quirky long-windedness...yep, just made up that word.  One of my many talents you know; B.S.  My definition of B.S. = Finding ways of speaking to others that makes me sound like I know what I'm doing. In some areas of life I do have a fairly good grip on how to handle things but others, well, nothing can prepare you for them and you just have to wing it, whether it's good or bad.

So far 2014 has been one of the hardest years of my life. That's not to say there hasn't been good times worth remembering but let's be honest, any time you lose people you love and care about, well it can overshadow some of life's joys.  In a period of 8 months (Sept.- now) I've lost 5 family members and one amazing friend.  In all my life I've only ever had to say goodbye to 3 of my grandparents and the last one was almost 3 years ago.  So you can imagine the emotional toll it takes on a person to lose 5 times that amount in such a short period of time.

I've wanted to blog about the importance of remembering those we've loved and lost but just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I managed in other ways but it certainly hasn't been easy. And sometimes, when you least expect it, a song or situation will trigger a memory so strong it knocks the wind right out of you and it's all you can do not to curl into the fetal position and give in to your ugly cry (and yes, everyone has an ugly cry).

Case in point: Last night I had the wonderful privilege to coordinate the marriage of a sweet friend to the man of her dreams.  My mom, being ordained, married the two in a most moving ceremony.  The venue was full to the brim of close friends and family among beautiful peacock-themed decor and there was plenty to keep me busy.  Making sure the vendors had what they needed and were doing what they were supposed to, ensuring the bar was in good shape and keeping the bride and groom oblivious to any problematic situations. But, every 30 minutes or so I would sit at my full plate of food and pick at it while overseeing the excitement. One such time was during the parent dances and the bride had just stepped into the arms of her father.  The song started, I Loved Her First by Heartland and it took me right back to my own wedding day...to the memories of some very important Dad's in my life...and I could not hold back the tears. 

Part of why this is so poignant is because out of the 5 family members I've lost, 3 of them were fathers to me. My former step-dad David Woodhouse, who passed from cancer in September, my Father-in-law Larry Graham went home in February due to complications from Alzheimer's and lastly, my daddy, Ray McCrary Jr. in May, due to advanced Alzheimer's.  

While I managed to keep the ugly cry from rearing it's ugly head at the wedding, my heart was still heavy.  However, I also experienced joy because I realized that Rachel, the bride, would now also have that memory to hold onto for the rest of her life.  And THAT is why I do what I do! 

Congratulations to the new Mr. and Mrs. Colton Mitchell!!!  May you see many years of happiness!!!!

It's moments like these that allow the sorrow to fade into a dull ache as opposed to the throbbing pulse consistently pounding you from the inside.  Those that have left us behind on this out of control spinning rock will never truly be gone because they live in our hearts and memories. 

My Uncle John passed away in April and my Great Great Aunt Dot passed away in May the day after my father died.  I didn't know them well or in Aunt Dot's case, at all, but my mother was very close to Aunt Dot and she felt an even heavier loss having just spent the previous 3 days at my Dad's bedside with my sisters and I (and mind you they've been divorced for the better part of 30 years).  I love my mother dearly and although I didn't know Aunt Dot personally, I could feel through my mother's grief how wonderful a person Aunt Dot was.

Then finally, days before my Uncle John passed away, a co-worker and good friend of mine fell deathly ill very suddenly and lost her battle to a pulmonary embolism at the young age of 29.  No one knows why it happened....it just did...and our worlds were rocked yet again.  Elizabeth Ann Spillers was an incredible, caring person with a fabulous dry sense of humor who was loved by many people.  We shared some fun times at work and at play and she had immediately found a place in my heart.  I have your picture on my desk and I say hello to you every morning I come to work.  And every time I see pictures of your nieces (especially Audrey), I see you. I will never forget.

Soooo, you see why I've been MIA.  Too much action for me. I hope all my readers will forgive my absence.  But....I've decided it's ok to say no when someone asks me to help because I've got a nasty habit of overdoing it and missing out on what's right in front of me.  So hug the ones you love most and forgive those who've hurt you.  Life will always be hard but you can take the good in it and make it yours if you choose to do so. 

Share some memories of those who you've loved and lost. It's good for the soul.  

~~~If you don't see a silver lining...make one~~~