It's nights like these...

...when I feel like a first time mother. You'd think after five kids that I'd have thrown out that feeling with the last diaper almost a decade ago, but alas, that is not the case.  No matter how many kids you have you are never prepared for everything for every child. Just because your oldest didn't have a problem eating veggies doesn't mean your youngest won't a picky eater.  Or maybe you think (hope) your younger child will not have the same teenage drama as your first because you'll have already been through it before and can advise your child on how to avoid it.

Unfortunately, there isn't a one size fits all rule book for kids (although it would be really nice if there was an FAQ section somewhere).  At least with that I might be able to find a solution to the problems troubling not just my youngest but now the entire family.  Not that I haven't already been scouring for years on how to best help him cope with his "issues".  I fear he sees very little of the good things all around him and has become very hyper-focused on the lack of progress and frequent regression.

So tonight, instead of going to sleep at any kind of reasonable hour, I'll be staying up till I think the threat has passed or all night, whatever comes first.  I wish I was talking about inclement weather but sadly I'm not.  Tonight I will sit here and wonder how I help, encourage, motivate, lift up, protect and guide my son through a life destined to be riddled with an internal struggle not one single doctor can diagnose with any real certainty.

As a mother of a child suffering from what doctors are calling Severe Mood Dis-regulation, otherwise known as Bipolar Disorder, compounded by ADHD-like symptoms and the possibility of an Asperger's diagnosis, I'm really scared that I'm going to do something wrong as if he was a newborn again.  Part of me would like to go back to the diapers, late night feedings and that type of lack of sleep because I was somewhat in control and could act sooner on what I thought were age appropriate behaviors in a different...maybe better way perhaps, that would prevent the situation currently at hand.

This night I will stay up to make sure he doesn't try to make a run for the hills.  It's a brisk 26 degrees in the middle of the country tonight with nothing warmer than the low 50's (as a high) for the remainder of the week.  This night I will stay up and check on him....probably every 2 hours or so, to make sure he hasn't caused himself some kind of harm.  This night I will stay up to make sure he doesn't try to sneak into his sister's room and scare her, and by scare I mean beat her up for a perceived slight he has festered on for hours.  Instead I will put her in my room and lock the door.  I don't think he'll actually cross the line and hurt her or someone without real provocation but the problem is that his version of provocation is entirely different than what you or I would think requires that level of over-reaction.  This night I will lose more than just sleep....I will definitely lose some of my pretty blond hair (likely replaced overnight with gray) but more than that, I will lose a little bit of hope.

I know I shouldn't but the writing on the wall very clearly states the situation will get worse before it gets better.  As a parent who's been fighting daily for the better part of 6 years to prevent these exact circumstances from happening, well, I pretty much feel like a failure and have no clue how we're going to get through it.  Everything I hoped wouldn't come true has happened so far.  Those of you who know me well can attest to a level of intuition that is kind of scary sometimes.  I used to LOVE being right...but not so much anymore.  God help us all from me being right if that kind of pattern persists. 

Even as much as I'm scared out of my mind these days I know there has to be some kind of divine intervention going on after hearing last week's church service.  With Thanksgiving on the horizon, the Boss Man (what my Dad calls the pastor), spoke of being thankful for not just the good things in our life when they happen but even the trials and tribulations that hurt us.  For when we are weak and have hit the bottom the only way to look is up and that is when we can be closer to Him.  Now, most of you know I'm not one to shout much from the mountain tops unless it's a shoe sale or new Pinterest recipe but I've been through some pretty crappy times in my life and I've at least come through with more knowledge and likely an increased strength for having survived.

I know we should be thankful that we're the ones dealing with our son's problems because whose to say that if he'd been born to someone else they'd be going to the same great lengths to help him.  I know the experiences we go through allow us to help and serve others in their time of need but I often wonder how we'll all survive our own battles with enough of us left over to help others.  For my sons and daughters, my husband, my friends and likely a complete stranger, I'd throw myself on the sword to prevent  suffering....much to my own detriment most times.  My late step-dad would have said I was just wired that way.  I miss him too.

For those who may be wondering what types of things we've entertained to try and help our son, here's a short list.  We've altered his diet around dyes and sugar.  (Can't quite rid ourselves of Gluten yet) We've got a strict regiment of meds and are constantly looking at possible natural replacements.  We've been through several doctors that attempt their various "practices", case workers, social workers,  counselors, therapists, behavior intervention plans, IEP's, Loving Logic, Tough Love, Ignoring the behavior, Crisis Intervention Techniques, psychiatric hospital stays (twice), IQ testing, seizure testing, academic testing, psychiatric testing and we are getting ready to implement Intensive Therapy Services, which involves no less than 4 hours a week with a specialist who comes to our home, school or wherever she's needed to assess and analyze the behavior so she can maybe come up with a behavior plan that will be beneficial for all involved.  If that doesn't work we move to ABA, otherwise known as Applied Behavioral Analysis...and just so you know that runs $90-$115/hour with a minimum of 5-10 hours a week for however long they feel it necessary or until he improves.  If we haven't gone bankrupt by that point and he still needs help, the last resort we know of is Residential Treatment.  Even this isn't a permanent solution and will cost in the 5 digit range for just 2 months of service.  For a country so hell bent on  keeping the crazies at bay, they sure do make it rather impossible to get treatment.

It's easy to know what comes after sitting up, crawling, standing etc... But there is no way to know what's in store for my son or for any of us at any time for that matter.  I'm just taking it one day and in some cases, one hour at a time.   Speaking of time, I've managed to cover a good two and a half hours working on this blog post.  Time to go check on the boy and grab some coffee.  

To learn more about mental illness and how you can be a light in the dark for someone struggling with how to cope, check out the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).

~~~If you don't see a silver lining...make one~~~