It's beginning to look a lot like.....

...Christmas!  Well yes, that too but it also looks like a time of reprieve.  Here's hoping it lasts and makes enough of an impression to allow for maturity and growth and to get through the holidays with less heartache.  Wait, wait, wait...For those of you that follow me (which aren't many), you know that we struggle with a son diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar Disorder.  We have for 6 years and he's only 11.  For those that don't, I'd recommend reading some of my earlier posts under the Current Thoughts tab to get a quick understanding.  Let's just say it's been a long, LONG road to get where we are right now.

Much like our government these days, there's been a lot of doom and gloom type chatter at home.  Talk of crisis intervention officers, juvenile courts, residential treatment centers, drugs, fear, abuse and an overall sense of hopelessness.  Like I said, just like our government.  But if we're all lucky, maybe someone can come up with a behavior plan for them too. For us though, we have our someone...Her name is Pam and she's given us a new magical tool that even our son has embraced.

It also probably helps that we, including the boy, had to meet with a Juvenile Court Probation Officer about an incident that happened in school last month.  I'd describe her as very efficient at her job.  So much so that she scared the crap out of me!  I'm fairly certain our son got a very important message.  It seems that hearing the same message we've been saying for some time from someone in a place of authority makes a significant impression on youth.  THIS IS A GOOD THING.

As much as I'd like to believe we've turned the final corner on the path to recovery, I know Pam's magical tool is driven by and dependent on the stamina and dedication of two very tired parents, 4 jaded siblings and one complex little boy.  That's not to say we're incapable of making it work but it's a huge endeavor that runs through every aspect of everything.  Whether he's at school, home, a friend's house or church, a new level of expectation coupled with the opportunity to learn so many valuable lessons is riding on how well we implement the program.  That's a pretty scary thing to face when it feels like you've failed thus far.

So I'm hoping we'll get some additional support and encouragement to weather the storm from you, the readers.  I know for a fact plenty of you have been battling some of the same demons we have.  Mental illness, like cancer, is unbiased and cares not for who it attacks.  At least with cancer, a doctor can see it, treat it....cut it out maybe!  Not so much for a young child who's illness is in the one part of his anatomy that must remain intact and undamaged in order to survive; the brain.

That being said, here's a brief overview of the Pam's magical tool.  Maybe you can adapt it to help your situation.  If it can help you as much as it has us, I beg you, please try it before your child has to have the fear of God put in them from a court officer; before they have to experience handcuffs, be a guinea pig for prescription drugs and reach a sense of despair so low they turn to hurting themselves or others.  Believe me, the pain you'll feel when these things start happening is nothing compared to the hard work you could do to help prevent them from happening.  So here it is......

Welcome to the Max Buck's Program!!!! 

Pretty nifty right?!  We thought so too and so did Max.  He was on board from the get go. It seems most kids are pretty keen on earning money so this behavior intervention plan was accepted pretty quick. Now don't freak out, you aren't going to go broke on this plan, well I guess you could.....nah.
Here are the basics of the program.

1)      The subject earns “Their Name here” Bucks for completing a multitude of positive behaviors

2)      These bucks grow like any other “account” and are typically never lost.  If it’s earned, it’s kept.

3)      These bucks are great for just about every behavior you are trying to correct or emphasize.  Whether it’s brushing teeth regularly or reducing acts of aggression.

4)      A list of tasks with how much the subject can earn doing those items should be created so they have a visual they can refer too.  For younger kids, use pictures of the acts you want to encourage.

5)      Also create a MENU of items, preferably generated by the subject, that can be purchased with their bucks.  Create this list by using several categories:           

i)       Edibles – Special treats that would be solely theirs that isn’t normally purchased

ii)      Tangibles – This would include toys, games and other items they can physically use/play with.

iii)     Activities – Would they like bowling, camping, playing a game of chess or going to the park?  These are things they could go do.

iv)     Time with Peers – Spending time with peers their own age, above and beyond normal contact, would fall into this category.  Maybe a sleep over?

v)       Time with Adults – Consider a date with Mom or Dad, a picnic with a favorite Grandparent or just 30 minutes with an adult the subject feels close to.

6)      List out unacceptable behaviors that will come with the opportunity to pay some kind of restitution.  The goal is not to take away their earnings but rather institute a freezing of the account.  They still earn as normal but it goes to pay off whatever fine is associated with the behavior.

For example: If physical aggression is a behavior you are trying to remove, consider enforcing a fine commensurate with the severity of the aggression.  A minor incident may result in a $50 fine.  The subject will continue to earn as normal but it goes towards the fine first before they can start growing their account again.  Of course, the level of severity and consequential fines are at the discretion of the parents.

7)      Figure out up to 3 goals the subject wants to improve upon, list some of the triggers that prevent those goals from happening and some methods to help cope with the triggers when they occur.

8)      If you’re the creative type, create a Menu Board to list the items he/she can buy, create signs or ads to post in areas visible to the subject or even use a check register to show how the bucks flow and ebb based on behavior.

9)      Rinse and repeat 24/7 and adjust when goals are met.  This will be a continual work in progress that will need to be evaluated, measured and tweaked as you go, but it’s worth it!

  
It sounds like a lot I know, and it is but I can't even begin to tell you...wait I already have.  So let me rephrase.  I  CAN tell you this program has merit.  It's provided goals, increased success and as I said earlier, given reprieve.  Maybe now we can focus on the upcoming holidays with a little more joy and relaxation as opposed to stress, worry or maybe even missing those we love.

So break out the turkey trimmings, egg nog and holiday cheer (a.k.a Bailey's) and celebrate every victory no matter how small.  OK, so parents only on the "holiday cheer" and remember...everything in moderation.  Happy Holidays!

  ~~~If you don't see a silver lining...make one~~~

It's nights like these...

...when I feel like a first time mother. You'd think after five kids that I'd have thrown out that feeling with the last diaper almost a decade ago, but alas, that is not the case.  No matter how many kids you have you are never prepared for everything for every child. Just because your oldest didn't have a problem eating veggies doesn't mean your youngest won't a picky eater.  Or maybe you think (hope) your younger child will not have the same teenage drama as your first because you'll have already been through it before and can advise your child on how to avoid it.

Unfortunately, there isn't a one size fits all rule book for kids (although it would be really nice if there was an FAQ section somewhere).  At least with that I might be able to find a solution to the problems troubling not just my youngest but now the entire family.  Not that I haven't already been scouring for years on how to best help him cope with his "issues".  I fear he sees very little of the good things all around him and has become very hyper-focused on the lack of progress and frequent regression.

So tonight, instead of going to sleep at any kind of reasonable hour, I'll be staying up till I think the threat has passed or all night, whatever comes first.  I wish I was talking about inclement weather but sadly I'm not.  Tonight I will sit here and wonder how I help, encourage, motivate, lift up, protect and guide my son through a life destined to be riddled with an internal struggle not one single doctor can diagnose with any real certainty.

As a mother of a child suffering from what doctors are calling Severe Mood Dis-regulation, otherwise known as Bipolar Disorder, compounded by ADHD-like symptoms and the possibility of an Asperger's diagnosis, I'm really scared that I'm going to do something wrong as if he was a newborn again.  Part of me would like to go back to the diapers, late night feedings and that type of lack of sleep because I was somewhat in control and could act sooner on what I thought were age appropriate behaviors in a different...maybe better way perhaps, that would prevent the situation currently at hand.

This night I will stay up to make sure he doesn't try to make a run for the hills.  It's a brisk 26 degrees in the middle of the country tonight with nothing warmer than the low 50's (as a high) for the remainder of the week.  This night I will stay up and check on him....probably every 2 hours or so, to make sure he hasn't caused himself some kind of harm.  This night I will stay up to make sure he doesn't try to sneak into his sister's room and scare her, and by scare I mean beat her up for a perceived slight he has festered on for hours.  Instead I will put her in my room and lock the door.  I don't think he'll actually cross the line and hurt her or someone without real provocation but the problem is that his version of provocation is entirely different than what you or I would think requires that level of over-reaction.  This night I will lose more than just sleep....I will definitely lose some of my pretty blond hair (likely replaced overnight with gray) but more than that, I will lose a little bit of hope.

I know I shouldn't but the writing on the wall very clearly states the situation will get worse before it gets better.  As a parent who's been fighting daily for the better part of 6 years to prevent these exact circumstances from happening, well, I pretty much feel like a failure and have no clue how we're going to get through it.  Everything I hoped wouldn't come true has happened so far.  Those of you who know me well can attest to a level of intuition that is kind of scary sometimes.  I used to LOVE being right...but not so much anymore.  God help us all from me being right if that kind of pattern persists. 

Even as much as I'm scared out of my mind these days I know there has to be some kind of divine intervention going on after hearing last week's church service.  With Thanksgiving on the horizon, the Boss Man (what my Dad calls the pastor), spoke of being thankful for not just the good things in our life when they happen but even the trials and tribulations that hurt us.  For when we are weak and have hit the bottom the only way to look is up and that is when we can be closer to Him.  Now, most of you know I'm not one to shout much from the mountain tops unless it's a shoe sale or new Pinterest recipe but I've been through some pretty crappy times in my life and I've at least come through with more knowledge and likely an increased strength for having survived.

I know we should be thankful that we're the ones dealing with our son's problems because whose to say that if he'd been born to someone else they'd be going to the same great lengths to help him.  I know the experiences we go through allow us to help and serve others in their time of need but I often wonder how we'll all survive our own battles with enough of us left over to help others.  For my sons and daughters, my husband, my friends and likely a complete stranger, I'd throw myself on the sword to prevent  suffering....much to my own detriment most times.  My late step-dad would have said I was just wired that way.  I miss him too.

For those who may be wondering what types of things we've entertained to try and help our son, here's a short list.  We've altered his diet around dyes and sugar.  (Can't quite rid ourselves of Gluten yet) We've got a strict regiment of meds and are constantly looking at possible natural replacements.  We've been through several doctors that attempt their various "practices", case workers, social workers,  counselors, therapists, behavior intervention plans, IEP's, Loving Logic, Tough Love, Ignoring the behavior, Crisis Intervention Techniques, psychiatric hospital stays (twice), IQ testing, seizure testing, academic testing, psychiatric testing and we are getting ready to implement Intensive Therapy Services, which involves no less than 4 hours a week with a specialist who comes to our home, school or wherever she's needed to assess and analyze the behavior so she can maybe come up with a behavior plan that will be beneficial for all involved.  If that doesn't work we move to ABA, otherwise known as Applied Behavioral Analysis...and just so you know that runs $90-$115/hour with a minimum of 5-10 hours a week for however long they feel it necessary or until he improves.  If we haven't gone bankrupt by that point and he still needs help, the last resort we know of is Residential Treatment.  Even this isn't a permanent solution and will cost in the 5 digit range for just 2 months of service.  For a country so hell bent on  keeping the crazies at bay, they sure do make it rather impossible to get treatment.

It's easy to know what comes after sitting up, crawling, standing etc... But there is no way to know what's in store for my son or for any of us at any time for that matter.  I'm just taking it one day and in some cases, one hour at a time.   Speaking of time, I've managed to cover a good two and a half hours working on this blog post.  Time to go check on the boy and grab some coffee.  

To learn more about mental illness and how you can be a light in the dark for someone struggling with how to cope, check out the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).

~~~If you don't see a silver lining...make one~~~