My brain..won't rest

Today I woke up a little after 5am.  Oh and today is Saturday.  What gives?!  I tried really hard to stay in bed and go back to sleep, but it was just a little too hot in our room, the hubs was snoring and my mind was in hyperdrive.  At least half a dozen issues going round and round. (I promise I won't go over all of them here)

Issue #1  

Today we will make the rounds to our closest friends' homes as they celebrate the graduation of their senior sons and daughters.  Our senior daughter (my step-daughter) had an amazing party last night with her 5 BFF's.  They all looked so beautiful and happy.

So what's the issue?  Would I have liked to be included in the creation of this celebration for her?  Yes.  Was I? No.  Although not having to do the clean-up was nice for a change.  Did I feel like her mother had done things in such a way (knowingly or not) that kept my husband out on the outskirts of everything?  Yes.  Does it seem to bother him...probably not enough to raise a stink about it.  And if he's okay with things the way they are, then I guess I should be too, but I'm not.

However a new friend said something to me the other day that struck home.  Blended families are often harder to maintain because of the fact there were moms and dads that came before the step-parents.  I never wanted to replace anyone, but I did want to be loved as much as if they were my own since without any question, I fell as hard for them as I did their dad.  But just because I want it doesn't mean it will happen and for someone like me, that's a hard concept to handle.  

I spend a lot of my time thinking about how I can try to make things better...more like I see in my head.  But ultimately, I have to come to a place within myself that will allow me to accept that I will probably always be on the outside looking in.  It's just...I never knew how hard that would be. Having been a mom almost as long as not being a mom, it's really all I've known and to not be needed...well to put it simply, it sucks.

This issue, or rather this experience, is going to be a work in progress for a long time.  I'm sure I could save myself some heartache if I would just let the powers that be take away my anxiety and focus on what I CAN be involved with, even if it is only on the outside.

Issue #2                   

Parenting is hard.  Marriage in some respects is harder.  When you have a child, they are always your child.  Even if you walked away from them, they are still an extension of you.  When you are married, it's a choice.  An executive decision to stay within the embrace of a single individual for the rest of your life regardless of the ups and downs that come your way.

Today's society so easily acknowledges and accepts divorce that I feel the decision and commitment of marriage doesn't hold a lot of weight.  Both my husband and I have gone down the road of divorce and emerged different, but better people.  However, everything that has happened and the decisions we've made have brought us to where we are today.

For the first time in my life I feel I'm where I'm supposed to be.  The love of my life by my side, to walk with me, support me, make me laugh, be strong when I cannot and of course drive me bonkers.  I'm certain he'd say a few of his gray hairs are courtesy of me but that is to be expected when you combine two lives.

My hubby and I will celebrate 6 years of marriage this July and 10 years of blissful togtherness in December.  It doesn't feel like 10 years (and that's a very good thing), but that doesn't mean we don't have eyebrow raising moments. One thing I've struggled with recently is the lack of "Us".  We have 5 kids, why would we expect any "Us" time?  

It's so easy to fall into a routine in order to survive the craziness of our lives that we forget to make time for each other or just don't have the energy and motivation.  It doesn't help that we have really different schedules.  He's a night guy and I'm sadly, a morning person (not by choice mind you).  He's a good solid guys guy, meaning not overly emotional or wordy by any means. I on the other hand am my mother's daughter and could talk circles around Barbara Walters while feeling 10 kinds of emotions about one situation.

I know we balance each other out and at the core, will love one another till death do us part.  But with all that goes on, we seem to have forgotten the little things that drew us to each other in the first place.  Settled into the routine without so much as passing thought of the flirting, dating and..."foreplay" of courtship.  We do what we have to, to survive 5 kids, jobs, in-laws....and life.

But I feel something is missing...the "us".  I know "we" are hanging out somewhere but with my vivid imagination, I can work myself in a pretty good frenzy over why the "us" isn't the way it used to be.  I know that our stripes don't really change but life itself changes how we handle, well...life.  What I do know is  it will take both of us to make a difference.  To change the same ho-hum stuff, we will have to choose to do things differently.  So babe, are you game?  
 

Issue #3

My youngest son has allowed his illness to control him to create yet another series of obstacles in our life.  To put it shortly, we now have to find alternative summer care for an aggressive bipolar 10yr old with ADHD. 

This will change our finances, how we handle the other children and what we do to combat the cycling ups and downs.  You need but read some of my earlier posts to know of the destructive behavior he displays and the guilt of a parent who can't take away his pain.  Know of any summer camps or programs designed for kids with behavior issues?  I'm all ears!

Issue #4

....Ok, ok ,ok.  I said I wouldn't go through all my issues so I'll stop here.  In the grand scheme of things, most issues in life are truly fleeting and will pass shortly.  The ripple effects of the issues are what stay with us.  How we choose to deal with them is all on our own shoulders.  So that's why I will end this post on a positive note.  

For Mother's Day, I did something I have wanted to do for a long time.  It's not 100% done yet, so you'll have to use your imagination and it isn't a great picture.  As I said earlier, my husband is the love of my life.  I was meant for him and him for me.  Combine those feelings with my fascination for tattoos and you get a woman with fresh ink.  He hasn't see it yet and quite frankly, I think he's avoiding it because tats aren't thing.  But in my mind, it's a tribute and he's finally going to have to see it.  I love you so much I'm going to take you with me everywhere.  I will finish it up this week and it will be ready to go for vacation! 

I know it's bigger than you care for honey, but just remember how large a part of my life you are and consider yourself lucky I didn't do it across my whole back!

The Capricorn is represented here by the Sea Goat.  This particular tattoo is actually a cover up and will have additional detail added soon.  Will post more pics when complete.  Thank you to Beau at John Monk's Revelation Tattoo.

 


~~~If you don't see a silver lining...make one~~~